Her life is like a story; laid out for all to see,
but no one knows who she is. Because no one is willing to pick her up and read.They judge her by her cover and leave her on an old table of dust. ~ mstenebrific
I was prepared to write a long entry about my personal pain, the things that I have been going through lately and how I feel that I am drifting away from God in some no mans land. Then some how I got into watching Military videos again on YouTube and while these things are still serious concerns I have regained perspective.
I was reading a quotes site that I subscribe to here on xanga and that one jumped out at me. With me I suppose that 'no one knowing who she is', is partly because of me. I guess that I adapted really well to the military idea that what you see is all you are authourised to see, and for me hiding the truest parts of myself has always been my best proctection, and for the longest time I never minded. It worked well for me, there were parts of me that I let out to 'play' (she likes swords, fast cars, motorcycles, martial arts) and parts of me that no one ever saw, my own 'secret garden' so to speak, things that I enjoyed in myself, ( she loves roses, singing, acting, modeling, dancing, hopeless romantics). I never found a need or a want to let anyone know about the things I kept to myself, they were too deep, too real, and I had long learned to take the real parts of myself and cherish them and hide them, so I would have something left after everything else had been torn away. I never dreamed that the Lord would lead me to a safe place, and someone who wanted to protect me just as much as I did them, someone who I instintively wanted to know the entirety of my being after all the years of compartmentalizing myself, someone who I wanted to know that much about.
It's amazing how comfortable humans can get with one another, to Laura Bush, G.W. is just the guy that leaves the toilet seat up and doesn't refill the toilet paper, who goes to work early and some times comes home late or not at all, just like every other C.E.O. these days. People get in the habit of being in another person's life so much that they never stop to continue getting to know them, people are always changing, we are just like that, and yet we get so used to one another that most people only relate to the person they knew. It's amazing to me that my best friend still can't figure out some very basic things about me, and that I listened to him explaining something to a bunch of distant relations and aquaintances that he ran into, that he had never told me.
I guess we get that way with the Lord as well, I remember all the things that He has done for me, but that was yesterday, what about today? I knew Him, but have I made an effort to know him? The honest answer to that right now would have to be an emphatic no! I have allowed His provenance and blessings to be a distraction and guilt for that to be a constant companion, every repentance and cry for forgiveness adding to the burden. I have always had a hard time making my self know what I believe, that is, I believe that I am forgiven, that I can move on, that the sin is "as far as the east is from the west" but, I don't yet know it, so the guilt is allowed to live in me and make it harder and harder to return to a relationship with Him. How could you look Him in the eye if you felt that all this guilt and shame still belonged to you? I suppose in a way that makes us guilty of dealing withn the self we knew and not knowing ourselves now because were remade completely different, new, without sin, joined to the Father, Son and Spirit.
Praise God, He is merciful, He took what would have been a forlorn, searching post and used it to promote hope.
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